The flying experience can be somewhat enjoyable if everyone on a plane behaves in a manner that is courteous and respectful in an extremely cramped space. However, more often than not, people just don’t know the rules of plane etiquette and can’t help being basic.
These 11 tips are for those people.
1.Window and Aisle Seater Etiquette
If you were lucky enough to get a window or an aisle seat, remember that the person in the middle is hating you right now. He/she is stuck between your bad armpits and the other dudes farts, and can’t even get up to walk around freely. So just understand that the armrests BELONG to the middle seat. If you’re on the aisle, the armrest you get is the one next to the aisle. If you’re by the window, the armrest you get is the one next to the window. DON’T FUCKING PUT YOUR ELBOWS ON THE TWO ARMRESTS RESERVED FOR THE MIDDLE SEATER. Don’t be surprised if the middle seater shoves your crusty elbows off of their rightful armrests. Letting you know for a friend…
2. Using the Bathroom
Ok, that awkward moment when you’re not on the aisle but you HAVE to go to the bathroom and have been holding it because the aisle person is asleep and you don’t want to wake them. (How does a person never get up once in 12 hours?) Well, wake their ass up. I’ve gotten urinary tract infections for holding my pee for an entire international flight because I was too scared to ask the aisle person to move.
The aisle person usually knows their duty is to stand up and let people out. But I HATE aisle seaters that just expect you to walk around them and won’t get out of their seat to let you out. Like really? I don’t want my ass to touch your nose. Not because of your nose, but because of my beautiful ass.
Once you get to the bathroom, aim inside the hole… and clean up after yourself. But you actually do have to press flush. Please.
3. Eating Smelly Food
Don’t be that person that brings McDonald’s onto the flight and stinks up everything. We are all sharing the same air.
4. Talking Loudly
Speak of sharing the same air, don’t talk too loud either. Like we understand you are proud of your kid and want to brag about your life, but not all of us care.
Your noise level should be loud enough for only the person next to you to be able to hear.
If you could have one guess on the dirtiest place on the airplane, what do you think it would be? The seat? Wrong. The floor? Wrong. Guess what, it’s actually the fold out tray in front of you. You can read about it here. Think about it, that tray never gets washed in between flights let alone ever. Also, people are eating, drinking, drooling, changing diapers on that thing. So don’t let your food touch it.
What are the rules for babies on a plane? So, there are two sides to this.
If you don’t have a baby and a mom is breastfeeding her baby next to you, understand that she is loving on her child, and her breasts are doing what nature intended it to do. So don’t be that asshole that is offended by a mom whipping out her tit. Act like you’ve never seen boobs before! You better enjoy that tit. Being a mom is a hard enough job as it is, so she doesn’t need you judging her. If you ask to be moved because you’re so disgusted, GOOD, because she doesn’t deserve to be sitting next to a piece of shit like you.
If you do have a baby, everyone knows they cry from time to time, but don’t pretend you’re deaf. Don’t just let the kid cry and cry without taking it for a walk around or giving him/her snacks. At least try to calm it down.
My favorite is when moms let their kids play Candy Crush on the Ipad and they don’t turn off the volume. Like I get being a mom you tune out your children, but not on the plane. Be courteous of other people who chose not to have children for a reason. Don’t impose them onto everyone.
Also, unless you want your kid to get snatched and spanked by a stranger, DO NOT let your kid kick the back of someone’s seat.
The worst. You’re sick and coughing and sneezing everywhere. Just in advance, apologize to the person next to you. You can’t help being sick, but you can validate to the person next to you that it’s gross for them, too. Also, have hand sanitizer and tissue on deck. And when you cough, don’t cough into the open air! Cough into your sleeve.
I get alcohol is free on international flights, but don’t be that basic drunk bitch. Like fine, drink enough to fall asleep, but don’t drink so much that your skin starts to smell and when you fall asleep with your mouth open, you’re breathing whisky breath on the poor person next to you.
Regarding coffee and tea, avoid if possible since it’s made with the tap water in the plane, which is known not to be the cleanest. But that’s not every plane. You can read about the EPA test results here to find out what’s in that water.
9. Flight Attendants
There’s two sides to dealing with flight attendants.
If you are a flight attendant, understand that none of the passengers on this plane asked you to choose this profession, and you chose it knowing that this was a service-oriented job. So if you hate your life, don’t take it out on the rest of us. We paid a lot of money for this seat so don’t shove drinks in our faces, not respond to a call, or have all kinds of attitude if we’re asking for something. Like it is dry up in here, get me some water and do it with a smile.
If you are not a flight attendant, understand that he/she is not your personal secretary, punching bag, or cocktail waitress. Like you don’t need to press the call button every 5 seconds and if there is something you can do yourself, go and do it. In addition, when you keep asking her to make you these elaborate drinks with a “splash” of this and leave out that, he/she is not a bartender, nor a chef. Stop with your excessive needs.
Refer to How Not To Look Like A Basic Bitch to read how I feel about rolling suitcases, but basically hard rolling suitcases are the worst to carry on a flight. They leave no cushion or wiggle room, and take up the entire overhead compartment when there should be space for three. Which is why a duffel or even a rolling duffel or backpack is so much more courteous. However, if you’re going to be that basic bitch with the rolling suitcase, position your suitcase so that there is as much room as possible for the next person. DO NOT put your coat or purse up there until everyone has finished putting in their suitcases, you greedy little passenger.
If you see someone struggling with their bag, unless you have a disability, help them out! Don’t watch someone struggle. Especially mothers and the elderly. I will always help a grandma with her suitcase. It is going to be you one day.
11. Exiting the Plane
Speaking of putting your bag away, what about when you go to retrieve your bag to exit the plane and some antsy fuck tries to burrough his/her way through this stagnant, congested ass line to get off of the plane? Even if you already have your bags, that doesn’t give you permission to annoyingly tail-gate human beings while they try to get their bags. Everyone in the front gets their bags first and each aisle clears out one by one. Everyone knows that! If you’re in that much of a rush, you should have paid the extra $15 to get a front seat. This confuses me every time because where you gonna go? We are all about to wait in the same custom line at the end of this so where are you really going? You are like those people who race to a red light. BAAAAAAASSSIIIIICCCCCC.
Although flying used to be seen as an experience of luxury and adventure, it is now one of the least relaxing and comfortable things about travel. Let’s try to make the most of a cramped situation. Don’t be basic.